Every day I get a little email from an attachment parenting mailing list with a nice affirming message. Today’s really struck a chord, it’s called “Don’t Explain” and can be found in full at The Daily Groove.
I spend a lot of time researching & educating myself about my choices in life.
Some things I knew I wanted to do, such as breastfeeding, health benefits aside, I felt it was best for babypixie. A little reading later and I became a firm believer in extended breastfeeding. A bit more research and I learned all about the companies who manufacture formula and exactly how low they will stoop for a quick buck. And so on….
Some things were harder, such as becoming vegan. I gave up drinking milk easily, then meat and spent a few years as a vegetarian. A little more reading and eggs left my diet. A bit more research and I eventually became more committed and said bye bye to the milk chocolate. I still miss my rashers, but not so much when I read things like this, and I still miss my Mars bars, but then I read this. And so on…
So back to “Don’t Explain“, what did it say to me? Because I have made these decisions, I often find myself questioned about them. And I start to explain. As the article says
This can be a good thing when someone has expressed curiosity about it and you’re simply sharing information. But it’s better not to explain yourself if you’re trying to justify your choices.
Justifying gives away your power. It implies that you need the other person’s approval. It undermines your self-confidence and distances you from your Inner Guidance.
This is so true, you can usually tell within seconds if you’ve gone from idly conversing to justifying your choice of shoes/dinner/lack of weaning to a person who could care less and the undermining begins. I don’t know about you all, but often when I’m questioned, I babble and give away way too much details, something along these lines (this isn’t a real conversation, but it is cobbled together from experience)
Person: Oh is she still breastfeeding?
Me: Yes, she enjoys it, it’s very good for her, great when she’s sick.
Person: She’s a bit old, you should wean her, give her a bottle so you can get some time off, does she sleep at night? Why are you still carrying her?
Me: (starting to babble) Oh you know she sleeps with us so it’s no bother, I just feed her and she’s back to sleep. She loves being up and about in the sling, she’s very sociable.
Person: She sleeps with you? That’s not safe. She’ll never be independent. You need to give her a bottle at night with water in it and let her cry it out. How can your husband sleep with her in the bed? It’s not fair on him, he needs his sleep. He has to work in the morning. You just stay at home all day.
Me: (babbling intensifying) Oh he loves having her in the bed. We would never let her cry it out. She doesn’t take a bottle, she has a cup with her meals.
Person: A cup? How much real milk is she drinking?
Me: (babbling skyhigh) Real milk? She doesn’t drink cow milk, we’re vegan.
Person: Vegan? Oh iron, protein, calcium, rickets, think of the sweets, MacDonalds, people will laugh, no chicken nuggets or turkey twizzlers, what if you ended up on a desert island and only rabbits lived on it would would let her eat them or would you make her starve?
Me: Hmmm…. (brain falls out, I look like dumbass who doesn’t think about things and is now stuck in a crazy conversation where eating a desert island rabbit is the only sane option). Hmm, I have to go over there, bye….
The article goes on to say
The “need” to explain and justify your choices is based on the “need” to be right. But if your parenting choices are “right,” and the other person would parent differently, then s/he must be “wrong.” Once you get in that right/wrong mode, conflict or interpersonal tension is inevitable.
Instead of explaining your parenting to others, silently remind yourself that your choices are right for you, and your own approval is all you need.
I am quite vocal about my lactivism, veganism & attachment parenting online but when confronted by individuals it is difficult to defend your position without making them look bad or starting a fight. And for some reason I never want to do either, must be the Irish upbringing. But then you can end up quite easily in a defensive position, so the trick is to not start the conversation… try using the bean dip approach.
Person: Oh is she still breastfeeding?
Me: Yes, could you pass the bean dip please?
Person: But she’s too old to be breastfed!
Me: No she’s not, this is really good, would you like some (resist urge to throw at Person).
As always, Kellymom has some great tips for answering nosey questions. My favourite, because of its simplicity is
That’s interesting. What makes you think that?
So today I have learned that there is a time to share and a time to keep my mouth shut, because sometimes you just don’t need to explain yourself!
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Brilliant post, Pixie! I like the “What makes you think that?” response as well.
I wanted to come by and visit since you stopped by and wishes me a Happy New Year. Thanks!
Oops, I meant “wished” not “wishes.” Sorry.
how right you are!
I was at a New Year’s eve party when I walked in on a conversation between my sister-in-law and the hostess. I walked in on “Well, Eilat is still nursing” (my 28 month old son).
The hostess has 3 kids, the youngest is 17 months. She nursed them all to around a year and once I heard her say that the milk is no good after a year. I think its great that she nursed at all, and for a year is nothing to scoff at, but I was in defense mode. I was sure the I would be judged for “still nursing”. So I started minimizing it “Oh, only at night before bed…” “we really only nurse once a day…” “I’m amazed that I still have milk in there…”
Then she said that she was still nursing too! Her youngest is not willing to give it up and she likes having her “secret weapon” (I could totally relate). What a relief! But your point about needing to explain is a really good one. Why did I feel like I had to defend myself?
Hmm, I need to remember this when I’m with family. I feel the need to break out the laundry list of why veganism is perfectly healthy for my daughter whenever someone makes the slightest comment about it (and even sometimes when they don’t!).
And then I wish I had google in my brian so I could bring up all of the information that I know is out there but that I can’t recall and list in a coherent way (I too suffer from intense babbling).
I came upon a couple of stand by phrases when I was a new mom – It works for our family and, alternately, That’s not how we do it in our family. I try to limit my comments to correcting blatant untruths like, “after a year it is non-nutritive sucking” and then only to people who might actually listen.
Ah, the perfect answer- finally!!! I wish I had had it sooner, but I will use it!
Oh, this is a fantastic post! So many times I find myself backed in a corner defending myself against naysayers – ESPECIALLY about breastfeeding. Would you believe I already get flack from people for nursing Lucas and he is only 8 months old? It is ridiculous. I usually just state the recommendation of the AAP and WHO for nursing 12 months/24 months and try to leave it at that if they are really insistent. Who would have thought people would take such an interest in my breasts and what my child is eating!
I sadly have lapsed on my Veganism as of late (some cheese here and there). But I still do not drink cow’s milk and when I state that Lucas will not have cow’s milk I am faced with accusations of depriving my child and that I am selfish for not going out and buying cow’s milk just for him. D and I do not drink cow’s milk so it is never in the house. And when people find out that I will not be introducing him to meat you’d think I had just punched them in the face.
Wow, long-winded comment. Sorry!
This was a great entry, though. Food for thought!
Thanks for this; I needed to hear it. I had a heckuva holiday with the inlaws, who were totally freaked that Tyrannosaurus is “still” nursing, let alone nursing exclusively (”You mean he doesn’t eat ANYTHING?!” in my head, I replied “No, mom. I want him to starve to death. Or does my milk count as ‘nothing.’”) So I felt forced to defend it. Wish I’d thought of the bean dip trick. There was plenty of good food that could have filled mouths and hushed them right up.
The up side is that my mother quietly, gently, surprisingly, stood up for me. She acted as though everything was perfectly normal (which was a change from how she was with my daughter), and actually stuck up for us. Good mom.
Next time, I’ll just think of you and bean dip.
Great post! I think answering the question with a question is a good way to interrogate the situation and see if the person is just making small talk or really wants to get into the issues.
[...]And I even learned when to stop explaining! [...]